Written by: Stoo

Date posted: May 23, 2004

As we may have mentioned in the review of Full Throttle, your character, Ben, has one of the coolest voices in video game history. But how does he measure up to the gaming world’s other gravelly-voiced macho men?

 

John Mullins

As Seen In: Soldier of Fortune

Bio: John “Jarn” Mullins is the hero of mega-violent, xenophobic FPS Soldier of Fortune. A mercenary working for some made-up secret U.N organisation, Mullins is gaming’s most irony-free character, delivering line after line of mission-related guff from behind his greying moustache. He may have quite a gravelly voice, but sadly a complete absence of personality is his downfall.

Sample line: We need to get that nuke (yawn).

Macho rating: * *

 

Name: John R. Blade

As Seen In: SiN

Bio: John Blade is strictly from the “those bad guys are gonna pay for what they did to me” school of action hero. After his mother and father died when he was just a boy, John turned to his uncle to help him make something of his life. After training him in martial arts and weapons handling, John’s uncle died at the hands of the drug-dealers he was trailing. And boy, does that make John angry with those evil drug dealers. Despite a few good lines, essentially the poor man’s Duke Nukem.

Sample line: I’m gonna make you my bitch.

Macho rating: * * *

 

Name: Duke Nukem

As Seen In: Duke Nukem

Bio: Time and time again Duke single-handedly saves the world from destruction by evil aliens. Armed to the teeth with serious military firepower, he pursues his foes with a reckless lack of concern for his own safety. What’s more, he does it all while spouting corny one-liners – delivered, of course, by a suitably macho-sounding voice.

Sample line: Hmm… don’t have time to play with myself…

Macho rating: * * * *

 

Name: Max Payne

As Seen In: Max Payne

Bio: Poor old Max lost his family at the hands of an evil drug-gang (sound familiar?). Resolving to find who did this to him, he goes deep undercover but comes unstuck when the only people who know about it are killed. The solution? Go on a relentless killing spree while muttering long-winded descriptions of the terrible weather, the bleak city, and what a jolly bad show it is to be double-crossed and set-up, especially when you’ve lost pretty much everything already. Cliches a-plenty then, but it’s all done so well, and the broody, broken-man delivery helps no-end.

Sample line: They were all dead. The final gunshot was an exclamation mark to everything that had led to this point.

Macho rating: * * * * *

Name: Ben

As Seen In: Full Throttle

Bio: One minute, you’re on the road, riding. Then some guy in a suit comes along and says he’s got a deal for you and your gang – seems like Ben should have known better than to trust a guy in a suit. Unlike our other macho men, Ben doesn’t use a story of childhood woe to justify level after level of body-count violence, although as a biker he’s not averse to dishing out a bit of punishment now and then. There’s no doubting  the entertainment value of Max Payne’s verbal diarrhoea, but Ben’s pithy one-liners are often priceless.

Sample line: Some joker took my keys. (pause) I don’t like that

Macho rating: * * * * *

 

Name: JC Denton

As Seen In: Deus Ex

Bio: In a dystopian near-future, JC is a new agent for anti-terrorist agency UNATCO and also something of a walking experiment, his body enhanced with nanotechnology.  Though his mission seems simple at first, JC soon finds finds himself questioning his loyalties as he becomes embroiled in the murky world of conspiracy groups bent on world domination.  It’s up to him to strike a blow for freedom, and stop the conspiracists before their grip on power becomes absolute. He might be one man but he has some hi tech gear, nanotech powers and the sort of deadpan, gravelly voice of a professional agent who keeps his cool in the worst of crises.

Sample line: Bravery is not a function of firepower.
Macho rating: * * * *

 

Sam Stone

As Seen In: Serious Sam

Sam does look like a pretty obvious Duke Nukem knockoff. Muscular, lots of guns, steady delivery of awful one liners. To his credit tho, he’s rather more dedicated to his calling. While Duke is hanging around sleazy bars in LA telling strippers to Shake it Baby, Sam is still out in the field machinegunning another 400 mutants in the face, in his mission to bring down alien overlord Mental.

Sample line: My flaming fists of fury will destroy you, fiend! hahahahahaah….god, who writes this stuff?
Macho rating: * * * * *