Written by: Rik
Date posted: March 8, 2022

Do you remember this? From hackneyed stand-up comedy acts to autopilot social media accounts, everyone has asked this question, to the extent that the question itself has been the subject of some significant mickey-taking. Like it or not, though, it remains the starting point for all of us in the retro reviewing game. Do you remember this? If yes, why not join us on a look back at it? If not, perhaps you might be interested anyway.

All of that said, Road Hog! (and yes, the exclamation mark is – appropriately – part of the title) fits into the category of old games that could either have been real or a fever dream. Never mind whether you remember it: do I? A game featuring a man in a 1930s racing hat driving across the world in a car reminiscent of the buggies from Power Drift, on courses that range from US country highways, to the bottom of the sea, via an Iraqi warzone, at the end of which he appears on a TV show by the name of Dozer and Mush Brain?

It is real, as it turns out, and very much a 90s shareware game, previous coverage of which has mentioned how they were often dorkier versions of successful console titles but not, perhaps, how much of an independent, slightly madcap spirit they also possessed. While Road Hog! appears not to have been directly inspired by any other specific title, it does lean heavily into its eccentricities, possibly as a result of being a step removed from the scene’s big hitters like Apogee and Epic, and largely the work of two people.

The unconventional style and presentation arguably extends even to the basics such as what the hell you’re meant to do. Clearly, it’s an arcade racer, so the fundamentals are fairly easy to establish, but while instructions are provided, in time-honoured tradition, via the menu screen, they don’t quite cover everything you need to know, with between-race transitions sometimes filling in the gaps but appearing too briefly and written in slightly cryptic language which isn’t the easiest to decipher. Even the names of the difficulty levels are a little bit odd (if it’s normal/medium you want, select ‘Rushin’ in the Rush Hour’).

Context for this lightweight caper is arguably unnecessary, but apparently our protagonist has had some kind of breakdown, Michael Douglas/Falling Down style, which has precipitated a round-the-world road rage adventure. Which just means that you’ll be dealing with a fairly familiar setup, racing across a number of themed events, in various combinations, with slight adjustments to the action each time. From a world map, there’s a choice of locations, each of which symbolises a group of races, although with no particular clue as to the difference between locations or an assessment of difficulty.

Individual races are in one of three formats. Rat Race is a standard race against AI drones, and you have to finish in the top three, or it’s game over. In Beat The Clock, you have to get to the end of the course before your time runs out, while Bonus races are an opportunity to boost your high score with pickups within a more limited timeframe. Aside from having to avoid a game over scenario, it’s otherwise a high score focused game.

Where things gets a bit confusing is that, aside from a notice at the beginning of each race telling you what type it is, there’s little else to distinguish between them once you start. Some races have pickups that either save you time or boost your score depending on the format, and are particularly important in Beat The Clock and Bonus races, but less so in Road Rage.

The thing is, they will always be there, regardless of what kind of event it is: if a particular scenario has pickups, it will always have pickups; if it doesn’t, it won’t. Meanwhile, there are other on-track objects that you need to avoid, because they will slow you down. So, you need to be clear, as the setting changes, which is which: for example, on US roads, hitting a cow is bad; but underwater, hitting a sea horse is good.

Once you get your head around these things, it’s otherwise fairly standard stuff: keep the accelerator down, negotiate the gentle curves, avoid obstacles and other vehicles, get the pickups when needed, etc. It’s like Lotus Esprit Turbo Challenge, but on acid! [You’re fired – Ed.] Except if Lotus Esprit Turbo Challenge actually dropped some acid, and wasn’t used to it (because it was a middle-aged Top Gear viewer from Luton) and then went crazy.

Speaking of Lotus, there’s a track editor included, although it’s very much in the mould of the RECS system in Lotus III, so you’re adjusting various sliders re: corners and hills rather than actually designing anything. Suffice to say, once you’ve experienced all of the pre-set races, it’s unlikely you’ll want to start creating further variations on the same themes by tinkering with various settings here. And once you make it through all of those races unscathed, the only motivation to go back is to beat your previous high score, which is a bit of a stretch, as there’s otherwise no real structure to speak of.

The fundamentals of this kind of racer are sound and endure to this day, with something like Horizon Chase Turbo (or even, to go back a little bit, Outrun 2006: Coast 2 Coast) not being that far removed from the action here. And, thinking about it, even the slightly crazy race locations and presentation aren’t really that different from the likes of Mario Kart. The difference is several hundred layers of further polish and refinement, of course, and the devil is in such details.

That said, I can’t bring myself to be too harsh on Road Hog! Even if it won’t detain you for too long, it’s a cheery and amusing distraction for a couple of hours. You might have some fun, or at least earn yourself a brief appearance on Dozer and Mush Brain: an animated sequence which, believe me, you certainly will remember.