Written by: Rik
Date posted: May 26, 2010
I’m of the opinion that if you play a football game against someone you don’t know that well, you generally try to be quite polite and laid back about the whole thing, regardless of how much you might really want to crush them. If they’re a decent sort, they’ll do the same thing, and the match will be full of clipped compliments and polite applause for good bits of play. That’s the way it should be. In no way am I suggesting you use any of the following tactics in such situations – people will just think you’re a dick.
However, if said opponent starts trash-talking you (and not in a jokey, well-meaning way, but in a macho, I’ve-got-a-big-knob kind of way) then you owe it to yourself to do everything in your power to crush them in the most humiliating way possible. The same goes for any long-term Pro Evo rival, who knows that rubbing your opponent’s nose in it come with the territory – they’d do the same to you.
Anyway, the hard bit is actually getting to the stage where you’re three or four goals up in the first place. From there, you might not need to do anything to wind up your opponent – after all, the looming spectre of defeat should be enough in itself – but in case you do, here are five simple but effective methods that should do the trick:
The Step-Over
Used effectively, the step-over can actually beat a man or buy you some space. But we don’t need to be so skilful at this stage. Try step-overs at every possible opportunity – whether they’re necessary or not. You know it’s worked when your opponent scythes you down, calls you an unrepeatable name, or both.
The Marseilles Turn
If the step-over doesn’t do it, this one takes it up a notch. Rarely, if ever, used effectively in a serious situation, this one is a sure-fire signal to your opponent that you’re taking the piss. For most humorous results, use a lumbering centre-back for the move.
The Chip-Shot
Should you manage to create an opportunity for yourself in the dying moments, compound the misery of conceding yet another goal for your opponent with a super-arrogant finish. In a one-on-one situation, draw the keeper out by delaying your shot before lifting it over him into the net.
The Foul
So your opponent may be out of the match, but they nevertheless manage to conjure something that looks like a decent attacking move. There’s only one thing to do – flatten his player with extreme prejudice. You may get a yellow (or red) card, but it’ll be totally worth it.
The Comedy Substitution
Run down the clock and irritate your opponent by making a totally unnecessary substitution. Pick the worst player from your squad and get him on the pitch. Hell, try and give him the ball and see if he can break the habit of a lifetime by actually doing something useful with it – like score a goal.
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