Written by: Rik
Date posted: April 2, 2025

Here we are again, readers, in the dungeon of terrible old football titles that only a handful of people might remember or care to hear about ever again. It is, sadly, the only logical conclusion of my recent ruminations on the enduring appeal of old footy games, inspired by the book A Tale of Two Halves, which did at least confirm that there are people out there who have played even more of them than me.

Onside is one that has been on my list for a little while, mainly because I do remember it being advertised, and released, back in the day, but not ever reading a review. On my semi-regular visits to PC World on a Saturday, browsing the games shelves while my parents did the food shopping in the supermarket next door, it was one of those games that I held in my hand and considered whether its quick reduction to an affordable price was worthy of suspicion or whether, in fact, I was holding one of the great undiscovered greats.

As you’d expect from someone capable of such naivety, my hit rate with such purchases was on the low side. Most of the time, unreviewed games on sale were quite bad, like Telstar’s own SpeedRage, advertised extensively on the virtual hoardings here, and also in receipt of consideration from this correspondent, despite some utterly nauseating box art which should have been enough to disqualify it on its own (I haven’t played it, so it could be brilliant, although according to Mobygames, one Danish reviewer awarded it a score of 9% back in the day).

In the plus column remains, as always, Puma World Football ’98, which as far as I have been able to establish, was never reviewed by any of the major UK magazines, and disappeared without trace, except for being the local multiplayer game of choice for me and my friends for a sustained period. (Come to think of it, it may well have been Puma, and Puma alone, in the plus column, and several hundred crap games in the other, but, you know: you can’t put a price on those memories).

Anyway, to Onside (full name: Onside Complete Soccer, not – as the logo implies – ‘Complete Onside Soccer’), a game that features former Manchester United goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel on the box, but also a warning that states baldly, ‘This game is not endorsed by any players, managers or teams who appear in it or on the packaging.’ Nice work if you can get it, I guess, especially seeing as appearing in the game and on the packaging seems to be the full extent of Peter’s involvement here.

There’s also a claim, supported by a quote from Total Playstation Magazine, that Onside is both the most realistic football game and management simulator available, indicating that this is one of many titles from the 90s that claimed to effortlessly blend the two major elements of virtual football. Based on past experience, I’m not minded to ever take such claims seriously, and upon cursory inspection, the menus seem far too feature-light and the on-pitch action too short of subtlety for Onside to work as a pure management option.

(I did, however, abandon this mode pretty quickly, after I lost patience with flashing messages from the coach stating ‘Not enough midfielders’ and, upon accessing the relevant menu option, found only the same brief, and vague, message repeated, along with the additional bad news that there were also ‘Not enough defenders’. But if Onside is indeed the best football management game of all time, do write in and tell me why – you could win a prize.)

There’s also an indoor five-a-side mode, embraced by many titles of a similar vintage even though professional teams don’t actually play it, unless you count those post-retirement ‘legends’ charity tournaments featuring older men in varying states of physical decrepitude. Which would actually be a fairly interesting take on the genre, as would a virtual version of the most commonly experienced version of five-a-side, played by a mishmash of friends and work colleagues of all shapes and sizes while wearing mismatched kits. What we have here, though, is the option to have United play Arsenal… but indoors!

The on-pitch action is a mish-mash of other football titles, with Onside most specifically resembling FIFA 96 in appearance and Striker in terms of gameplay. A two-button control system is used, although one button is used to both pass and shoot, while the other performs a speed boost and an indeterminate alternative kick that’s distinguished from the other mainly by the fact that you’ll never score with it. In fact, before getting the hang of things, my early experiences with Onside consisted almost entirely of creating opportunities that were spurned by using the wrong button and accidentally smashing the ball over the bar.

Once I started using the controls correctly, however, scoring became fairly routine. Fans of my adventures in old footy games, if indeed any exist, will recall that the difficulty levels of these ancient relics are wildly variable, and provide a whole range of experiences, from repeated humiliation at the hands of rudimentary 90s AI, through mid-table muddling, to the ludicrous accumulation of easy victories within minutes of grasping the basics. This, sadly, falls into the last category, with wins by six and seven goals becoming routine, although the opposition does at least respond occasionally.

There are three levels of difficulty (I think: the menu confusingly alternates between calling this option ‘difficulty’ and ‘abilities’) but turning it up to the hardest setting doesn’t appear to have much effect, other than an opposing player occasionally being struck by moments of divine inspiration and dancing through your defence to score a brilliant solo goal. (They will also try and charge down your goalkeeper with some success, which would be annoying if you weren’t almost guaranteed to win the game anyway).

The weather options have more impact, although as was commonly the case at the time, there is no option to keep the conditions seasonal or even randomise them, and the player is instead invited to consider whether they want to play in the wet or snow on a game-by-game basis. Changes are noticeable, though, especially regarding your players’ ability to run with the ball, and goalkeepers’ susceptibility to long range shots, and the pitch also shows signs of wear under these conditions.

There’s the core of a functional game here, and a combination of the pass to feet option (actioned by holding down the shoot/pass button and directing an arrow while in possession), sprinting down the wing, and smashing the ball into the net from the corner of the box is initially pleasing. Still, the ease and regularity with which goals akin to Tony Yeboah’s 1995 effort vs Wimbledon are accomplished, with a mere nudge of a couple of keys, makes it all feel a little cheap. There are no injuries or fatigue, either, at least not unless you dive back into the management mode and opt to play and coach, SWOS-style, so there’s very little need to worry about team selection or squad rotation.

And with the main game providing minimal challenge, the mind does start to wander: the menu mentions after-touch, can you actually curl in a long range screamer, like in Sensible Soccer or Kick Off 2? (Not really); is it feasible to do headers and volleys (No, Yes); has there been a corner at any point (one, maybe?); was Nicky Banger really a first choice striker for Southampton at this point, and is his name pronounced as in ‘this car’s a right old banger’ or ‘rhymes with (Away in a) Manger’? (Yes, briefly; and the second one, despite what the unnamed commentator in this game says).

There’s some joy in scoring goals in unusual ways: cutbacks from the wing are effective, the keeper can be tempted into a fatal excursion from goal by an attacker with some ease, plus it is actually possible (and satisfying) to score from a long range free kick. This joy is tempered slightly by the fact that you never quite see the ball go into the net, and as the goalkeepers are of the ‘make all saves by stopping the ball dead’ variety, there’s often a slight delay while you establish whether the ball has gone in or the ‘keeper actually has it safely in his hands ready to boot it upfield. (To be fair, visibility is improved if you abandon the default Striker-style camera angle and switch to side-on, although this also makes the game even easier.)

In any case, the fun runs dry pretty quickly. Onside is the kind of game that makes you ponder the transition from 2D to 3D, in that it’s a functional but pretty basic title that doesn’t really do anything better than, or even equivalent to, the best of the previous generation of titles. For example, it’s not as good as the aforementioned Striker: it’s closer to Striker ’95 – which, if you check the FFG Football League table, isn’t a great achievement.

As with lots of these old titles (and despite my earlier comments, I do genuinely find ancient football games fascinating, enjoy playing each one for review and become disappointed if I can’t get one working or it proves unplayable for some other reason) there is some entertainment to be found here, as well as the odd interesting feature (for example, you have the ability to change individual elements of the kit, in the way that teams back then would sometimes improvise with unholy combinations of home shorts, away shirts and third socks in the event of a clash). But in the end, the on-pitch action does fall a long way short, and any interest, even to the hardcore fan, is likely to be short-lived.