So a while ago I picked up Daikatana because…. I was curious? Because I crave punishment for my sins? Because the JMan tells me it’s actually tolerable once you make it past the the awful, robo-frog infested early maps? And I was going to comment on the infamous “make you his bitch” poster, because apparently grown adults thought that was a good idea. But then I figured Daikatana gets enough of a kicking. And I was reminded of another terrible PC gaming ad from yesteryear.
It was for Battlecruiser 3000AD and was seen in PC gaming mags around the late 90s. I’ve put it behind a cut as it’s slightly naughty:
You know what, I bet she doesn’t.
Now Battlecruiser is hardly the only game to ever draw our attention with sex appeal. Maybe we’ll comment more one day on how Lara Croft and scantily clad elf chicks have been used (by developers who are probably all young males themselves) to lure guys in. It’s something that deserves a more in depth discussion than a brief blog post rattled out at 1 in the morning. But what makes this picture particularly ridiculous is, it has nothing to do with the game itself.
In case you’ve never heard of Battlecruiser it’s a highly detailed, and very complex space sim. One that gives you complete control of an entire star-destroyer style space warship. So it’s the sort of game where you spend hours on activities like monitoring radar displays, giving orders to damage control teams, deploying fighters and, er, monitoring the coolant flows in the secondary reactor cores. Or something. I don’t remember exactly how it worked, only that I tried to play it once for about an hour, got confused, moved the ship slightly forward then I think tried to shoot a cannon and ejected the party snack supplies instead?
(battlecruiser fans: I’m sorry. Honestly. It looks like one of those games that was rewarding if you made a proper effort)
So here’s what’s not in the game: sexy ladies. Anywhere. It’s not the sort to dabble in such frivolities. There are no chicks, no hot alien babes, no misogynist heroes chasing them around. There’s no time, dammit, raise power to the starboard shields and bring us to a heading of 225 degrees!
They’ve not even tried to dress her up in a scifi theme which, well, would still leave us with a pointless bit of sexual objectification but we could give them like a D for effort instead of an F. So what we have is: a page three girl covering her bits with the game box. That’s it. Tacky *and* lazy.
hey guys you like vaginas, right? buy our game!
Oh dear. Yes, I remember this.
You are quite right, apart from the fact that no game should be advertised in this way, Battlecruiser 3000 is possibly the least ‘sexy’ game ever released.
It’s hard to believe that someone in advertising came up with this as an idea, had it agreed, and was paid money for it:
“Hey, we’ve got this dull, delayed and buggy space sim that we need to shift a few copies of! Any ideas? Sod it, let’s go with as much nudity as we can get away with and go down the pub.” *high five*
June 11, 2013 @ 2:35 pm
I remember a number of unfortunate Genesis ads. Lots of “play alone with your joystick” kinds of things. Still, nothing quite like Acclaim’s wonder: http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2002/mar/15/games.advertising
I’m not sure anyone took them up on it, but still.
Also, this one has always been a personal favorite. Not for kids, indeed:
http://www.everyeye.it/public/immagini/14042011/mortal_kombat_arcade.jpg
June 11, 2013 @ 10:21 pm
That Mortal Kombat one is pretty funny. Also, it’s a bit weird to include the “proud sponsors of the USA Olympic Team 1992” logo in the bottom corner of such an ad…
June 12, 2013 @ 4:18 pm
It’s a pretty perfect snapshot of the industry before Mortal Kombat became *MORTAL KOMBAT* Also, badical late 80’s skater shorts.
June 12, 2013 @ 9:28 pm
Are those kids even old enough to play Mortal Kombat?
June 13, 2013 @ 9:28 pm
[…] called Battlecruiser 3000AD, which is distinguishable from a computer virus in that it was promoted more douchilly. When Star Citizens' developers failed to respond with the adulation to which he is entitled under […]
October 5, 2015 @ 4:57 am
History may never top this little gem. http://t.co/YqSEdFuGsZ
October 7, 2015 @ 3:50 am
Yes, but… isn’t that a German advert for the game? Perhaps I’m misinformed, but I was under the impression that the German tolerance for both implicit and explicit sexual content was substantially higher than many, many other English-speaking countries.
October 8, 2015 @ 1:20 am
I’d be surprised if a German advert was in English? (not that I’ve ever read a german magazine). I definitely saw this printed in magazines here in the UK.
October 8, 2015 @ 11:39 am