The Vault of Regret is a very large place, which houses dusty old game CDs and boxes, untouched digital libraries, and the metaphysical concepts of remorse and embarrassment. Here we write about all the games we should have played but haven’t, or that we have played but didn’t enjoy, among other things.

The Thing is from a fine video game tradition of spin-offs from fondly remembered 80s properties that have been left fallow in movie-world for long enough that the prospect of a sequel, semi-sequel or sidequel in video game form seems like a reasonable way to breathe some life into it again.

Like the film, the spin-off game wasn’t exactly a massive hit, but it nevertheless received the modern remake/remastering treatment last year.

If the idea of remastering modern games that were big hits not that long ago baffles me slightly (and it does), then I really wasn’t sure what to make of this news.

Neither were the reviewers, some of whom were too young to play the game when it came out, or expressed understandable bafflement about this middling title from 2002 being thrust into the modern spotlight rather than remaining the preserve of retro nerds like ourselves.

Speaking of which, the original release of The Thing would be prime FFG fodder, in that it appeared and then disappeared quite quickly but achieved reasonable reviews on the way. “This could be quite a good game to review for the website one day” is a phrase that has caused a lot of plastic boxes to pile up over the years. (Sometimes, that just isn’t true, but in this case, I think it was).

The moment has come, though, to accept that it’s never going to happen. The main reason being, as has been documented previously: I am a total coward.

Back when the game came out, I decided to check out the film upon which it was based. It’s pretty good, from what I can remember, but also creeped me out so thoroughly I’ve never returned to it.

The basic premise, if you haven’t seen it, is that the titular ‘Thing’, discovered in remote and icy conditions on an Antarctic base, can successfully imitate other organisms, including humans, fostering a certain paranoia among the small group of American colleagues on the base that any one of them might be ‘it’. (And ‘it’ will at some point then assume some horrifying tentacled form and need to be destroyed with fire).

A successful recipe for a jumpy nightmare, certainly, and not a game that should be attempted by someone who couldn’t even get through Aliens vs. Predator, and stopped playing Resident Evil after the bit where that dog jumps through the window.

It’s also got elements of squad management, which are usually pretty stressful, and apparently your squad mates are prone to getting scared, even taking their own lives if not looked after properly.

How do I know this? Well, fortunately The J Man has reviewed it already, many years ago. Which doesn’t preclude coverage here, of course, but (despite my historic and earnest-sounding intentions in the comments section below his write-up) I’ve never even come as close as taking the discs out of the box.

And so, it’s off to the Vault of Regret with The Thing – where it will likely stay until it finds a way to mutate itself into another form and make an escape.